Load

The least consistent account on Substack here, back at it again. I suppose this thing will continue to be something I come back to when inspiration hits. If that’s even the right word, the truth is the last couple times I’ve posted is because something reminded me of a thing and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. Or at least anyone to talk to that would care, not to infer that any of you reading care either. I also do enjoy “writing” or what passes for it within the constraints of my admittedly very limited capabilities.

As the title says, this morning it was a random Youtube suggestion that hit me, a video from a channel titled “A Darker Standard” about the story of Metallica’s (infamous?) follow up to the monster that was what is known as the Black album, Load. Real quick, let me get into my history with the band. When I was just entering high school, which in my town for some reason began when you were in 8th grade, and not your freshman year, I was starting to find who I was. As pretentious as that sounds, what I mean is I was realizing that the things I enjoyed actaully meant a lot ot me. I couldn’t exactly explain it, and it’s a thing I to this day (MANY years after high school) struggle with. Art, particularly the part where the artist is expressing themselves, working through an emotion, or trying to make a point, was becoming more and more a thing I was drawn to. Music was changing for me, and I can’t help but wonder if I’d had access to the internet or if I lived anywhere near a city where I imagine I could have been exposed to more than I was, where I’d be today. Unforunately, in a small town in Alabama, I had Mtv, South 106 which as you would imagine played country 24/7, and one small rock sation out of Columbus, GA called Rock 103. I complain, but thank GOD for Headbanger’s Ball and Rock 103. They weren’t great, but it’s what I had.

As a weird kid who was picked on pretty consistently, it’s no surprise that I gravitated toward metal pretty early on. The anger, the angst, the “fighting back”, it all appealed to an overweight kid who felt mostly alone in life. I can vividly recall the first time I saw Metallica’s video for “One”. Jesus what a song, what a video. I talked my mom into buying me the cassingle at our Wal-Mart. Remember those? Cassingles were tapes of just the one song on side A, with a random B side on the other. Bless her, I made her listen to One in car rides to and from school so many times that she knew the words, even though she hated it. From there is when I really started to collect music, and search out for more like Metallica, as limited as my sources were. I could every once in a while talk mom into buying me a Hit Parader mag at the grocery store, I’d stay up and record Headbanger’s Ball, and I’d listen to Rock 103 constantly, even though for 90% of the day they’d play “southern rock” like Lynrd Skynrd which I loathe with every fiber of my being. I was never meant to live here guys. I know that in my heart.

The first albums (tapes as we called them) I ever bought with my own money I remember exactly. I was given $100 for my birthday, and just listen to this and imagine trying to buy this amount of awesome today for that much, I got Metallica’s brand new Black album, Ozzy’s “No More Tears”, Terminator 2 on the NES, and a Game Genie. I was 13 years old, and in absolute heaven. The Black album would cement Metallica as my absolute favorite band at the time, and while I liked other bands, they would never measure up to James, Lars, Kirk, and Jason. I tracked down their older stuff, either via music stores or the Jedi level mind tricks it took to talk mom into letting me sign up for Columbia House, whom I know for a fact I still owe money. While the Black album was great, I discovered that the four album catalog that prefaced it I liked way better. Specifically, Ride the Lightning, Master of Puppets, and And Justice for All. There may not be a better three album stint to this day that’s better in my opinion. I was all in on Metallica, I bought shirts, posters, comics, anything I could find and mom would let me have. They released a two vhs documentary about the making of the album and the next year touring, and I absolutely wore those tapes out. For Christmas the only thing I wanted was the “Live Shit Bing and Purge” box set they released that had a three disc live cd and three vhs concert footage. Imagine asking your mom for Live Shit Binge and Purge for Christmas.

I would eventually go on to discover other bands, even some I liked better, as back then music from your favorite artists didn’t drop one song at a time on Spotify. A band would put out an album, you’d be obsessed with it for a while, then move on to whoever had just dropped the newest. It was also around this time that the while Seattle thing happened and I was discovering so many new bands like Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam, not necessarily metal but I’ve never been a person who’s tastes can be fit solely into one box. I was super into this new “alternative” stuff even if I didn’t know what it was necessarily the alternative to. Flannel shirts in Alabama were nothing new, but flannel shirts in the summer was certainly a choice.

My senior year would see Metallica finally follow up the Black albun with their highly anticipated new record, Load. This particular memory is what sparked this entire thing today. It was a Friday, Rock 103 had this show they did called something like “Keep or Kick” or something to that effect, where they’d put two popular songs against each other and prompt callers to vote whether they play one or the other. On this particular day, they were also advertising the debut of a new Metallica song, which they were saving for the finale of the show that night. I was glued. To the point that I had driven from my home town to the mall in Auburn with the girl I was with at the time, about an hour drive, and they still hadn’t played “Until it Sleeps” and I refused to get out of the truck until they did. Having not even heard it, the vote was so far in Metallica’s favor that there was no way it wasn’t going to happen. She went into the mall, and I sat in the truck with the radio. And then it happened. They played it not once, but twice in a row. Needless to say it was not the Metallica I had known and loved.

For as different as the Black album was, THIS was so far away from anything I could have expected, it was literally shocking. The album came out and I bought it day one, thinking maybe Until it Sleeps was just the “radio” song, and the rest would at least be the Metallica I’d loved so much. But no, they’d cut their hair, there was a COUNTRY song, this was no longer the Metallica I knew. And most people felt the same way. For whatever reason, for better or worse, they’d attempted to make an alternative record, and as to whether they succeeded or not, that’s up to the individual to decide.

Today this has me wondering, from the artist’s perspective, why do that? I mean arguably the biggest metal band in the world at the time, why try their hand at making their version of what was popular? Why not make another Metallica record? Why not make the most Metallica record that’s ever been? Why not try and usher in a new era of thrash metal, an era that would be the stuff of legend? Maybe they liked the Seattle bands, even though James would famously mock Layne Staley after Alice in Chains backed out of a tour with Metallica. Maybe they felt like they were getting older and wanted to try and stay relevant. I don’t know, it certainly couldn’t have been about money. I think they toured for nearly three years off the Black album. Truth be told, I never hated Load, I loved Metallica too much to hate it. I spent my time with it, and I moved on. By that point I was even beginning to move on from Seattle and into stuff like Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, Cypress Hill, and finding them more interesting. Also Korn and nu metal were right around the corner, and hooooly shit did I jump head first into that scene. I still have Jnco’s.

After watching that video this morning though, I decided to put on Spotify and listen to Load. Actually listen to it with my “today” ears instead of my 18 year old ears, and I have to say, I think it’s really good. It’s not their best record, but it’s also far from their worst. I listened to the radio tracks and enjoyed them for what they are, I listened to the deep cuts and liked them a little better. As a whole, today I get it a little better than I did back then. It’s consistent. They were experimenting with a new sound, a new more modern take on their style. Metallica is still there, it’s just different. It also weirdly hit the nostalgia bone for me this morning, took me straight back to 1996, and holy shit what a year that was for me personally. It may not work for most of you, and honestly I can totally see that, but for that moment in time, for me. for a band that did so much to shape my taste in music, it was a big deal.

I’ll leave you with a lyric that hit me particularly hard today. I don’t know how I missed it back then. It’s from the track “Hero of the Day” which I have decided is now my favorite on the album. “Don’t want your aid, but the fist I’ve made for years can’t hold or feel. No I’m not all me, so please excuse me while I tend to how I feel”. Give Load a listen if you remember it, and thanks for sticking with me through this if you’re here this far. Until next time.